Bedhemoth
Dizzy. I just finished inflating a queen-sized air mattress by mouth. The mattress was purchased approximately 2 hours ago at Target. After spending 2 nights on the floor of our new apartment, Jared and I decided that an air mattress would be a better temporary solution to bedlessness than our flimsy Thermarest pads. The air mattress was intended to be inflated with a pump, which we did not purchase. Hence, the air hole was huge and in a recessed plastic box, which made it all the more awkward and difficult to inflate.
Check out the size of this monster. It’s big enough to accommodate an 8 person orgy. This thing is the Moby Dick of air mattresses. See how that full-sized electrical outlet is dwarfed by this behemoth?!
I did not have any assistance in slaying that beast. Jared gave me a choice between purchasing a discounted dress that I took a liking to or being assisted in inflating the mattress. I chose the dress. Initially, I did not think it could be done. After 10 minutes it did not appear that I’d even made a dent (or a rise, rather) in that thing. I began to do what any logical human being would do: bitch, complain, and attempt to give up. I repeatedly asked for help, but my cries fell upon dead deaf ears. I don’t know why, but I persevered, and I now have a nice new dress and sore lungs. It took me about 45 minutes, which included taking some breaks to give my lungs a rest from the polyurethane fumes.
Because of our current financial situation it seems that the tables have turned for Jared and I. Whereas I financially supported Jared for just about the past year while he road my coattails, I now find myself completely broke and virtually enslaved to Jared. The bike shop situation promises to improve in another couple of months, but for now I am relegated to indentured servitude. So I have to do stupid things like inflate air mattresses and get cancer.
I hope one day my sore lungs and cancer is all going to be worth it. I hope one day we can sail across the great Lake Michigan on that thing with 6 shipmates and a harpoon gun.
Update: Though I wrote this piece in a fury of rage last night, I awoke very well rested this morning after the best night of sleep I’ve had since arriving in Chicago. I guess it was worth it.
-L
i had no idea that we’d almost reach max comment capacity on a post about blowing up an air mattress.
granted, 75% of the comments are from me.
the dress trick works on me too…
thank you ariel!
I blew up an airmatress via manpower once while camping.
i was 99% on my way to passing out cold
It gave me a solid 3 hour migraine.
dude, thank you. jared completely underestimated what a feat for humanity this inflation process was. I feel you…I was lightheaded for hours and my lungs felt horrible, and during the process also thought I was going to pass out.
Jared’s frugality beats the hell out of any stereotypes of Jewish people.
Haha you found that picture under Google images/Search: Evil Jew/first choice
actually I searched “jewden”
lol
Ah, the essential baseline nature of any relationship: constant war.
One day you’ll have the upper hand again though. Play your cards right and some time soon Jared will have an undendurable toothache, but no money. You on the other hand will have money, but no unendurable toothache.
I’m trying my best to ensure that Lauren will one day have both an unendurable toothache and no money
when will i have money, erik? haha
NO!
Jared, you got it made. How sweet of you to grant Lar permissions to purchase a discounted dress. I’d like to know your secret. Isn’t it time you spilled the beans to all your loyal readers and offered a free seduction guide on how to enslave the woman of your liking?
“How to seduce, brainwash, and enslave women” by Jar
…coming this spring.
Only I know the key!!!!!!!! KEY: Always be mysterious. Tease Tease Tease, and then never come through. CAUTION: LKF: Little Know Fact: If you jump on an air mattress while someone is endeavoring to orally inflate it, THIER HEAD WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!
I get the feeling that jared has been waiting for this moment for a long time. Mooching off of Lauren’s fat bank account long enough has made him resentful and now that he has the dollas, he can be the king in the castle.
If it gets a leak make Jared patch it. He’s the patch King AY.
aye
And for the record, Lauren. Your net worth is still probably higher, considering the value of your 3 bikes to Jared’s puny 2 bikes.
Lauren, you’re silly.
http://www.google.com/products?q=mattress+inflator&oe=UTF-8&price2=20.00&show=dd&scoring=p
five whole dollars
Lauren,
You don’t know me but I visit your site on a regular basis. I find your situations and travels interesting and enjoy the updates, kind of voyeuristic I know. I’m a biker who has always wanted to take off cross country but just haven’t had the right opportunity. Do you guys have a paypal account? If you do tell me your email and I have no problem donating to the cause/mission or whatever. The time I have wasted at work on this site is worth a little pay-back:)
Hi Tom- Well, I am frankly quite flattered. In the back of my mind I am always hoping that there are multiple lurkers who aren’t speaking up but are deriving enjoyment from reading about my miserable attempts at making it in life. I don’t know how we’ve managed to hold any sort of audience whatsoever, but I am most certainly grateful for anybody who pays attention to us.
Though we certainly do plan on going on some adventures in the spring and summer, I can’t guarantee when we will fully hit the road and move to another place on bikes again…I can guarantee that I will try to continue writing about the ridiculous things that happen to us no matter where we are.
Thanks for reading!
We do have a paypal account and I am definitely broke enough to accept donations! Very very kind of you! Thanks! Its jaredvotel at gmail dot com…I have to write it this way to avoid spammers.
The donation went through! Thanks again so much Tom that was very generous of you.
Sebastian reads this site even though he refuses to comment. Make a specific mention of him calling him out and maybe he’ll come out from the woodwork.
sebastian reads the site!!!
next post…he will be mentioned.
yeah…tell that to jared. he assured me that the pump cost as much as the mattress.
You could’ve taken it down to the street and given a cabbie a buck to let you hold it up to the tailpipe. Then it would’ve been cozy warm too, at least that first night.
Why didn’t I think of that?