• Posted by Lar on Thursday, Mar 26th, 2009

Best of the Best of Craigslist

Reading the craigslist.org best of section is endless mindless shameless entertainment. I have narrowed down a few best of the bests and some notable text from each. Read ‘em and LOL:

Dear Best Buy #305
“Water still rising. Not going down. Really bad. 1” to go. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Please just stop. 1/2” left. Time to think of an exit strategy. Water overflows. Well, I guess you can call it water, but it doesn’t really look like water anymore. And, I just remember about the poor guy in the middle stall.”

Duck Mask
“Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage.”

Carry my casket- m4w
“-This will be STRICTLY friendship. You must not fall in love with me. I don’t need a coffin straddler at my funeral because it will make the casket that much heavier to carry. Besides it’s not proper custom the spouse to be a pallbearer anyway.”


you said you would send cock pics-w4m

“We met at the furry convention. You said you would dress your little soldier up in a piggy costume and send it to me, along with the pics.”

Vintage British 3 Speed Bicycle, Very Nice- $30 (Dover)
“Great ‘winter bike.’ ”


Screw shoveling and you can all kiss my butt, too
“Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed shit-machine-on-four-legs this morning. Must be a bitch to be shins deep in the snow while your dog clamors into my yard to leave a steamer in the drift.”

WANTED: time machine DESPARATE!!!
“I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard. Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.
VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!”

Pregnancy Doesn’t Make You Divine
“…Oh btw – Quit using your pregnancy as an excuse to stuff your gullet each and every chance you get. When you proudly stand up at the staff party and announce that “The baby wants” an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Super Fudge Chunk, a liter of Dr. Pepper, some curly fries THEN TELL THE BABY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DESCRIBE THE APARTMENT NOT THE SCENERY
“If I go south when I die, it’ll be a studio apartment for me, at the foot of Yonge, where I live in an aerobics room, and can walk places.”

Roaches: stop shitting in my refrigerator
“In all likelihood you will outlive humans as a species and you are damn sure better at staying alive in general, but for now, get the fuck out of my apartment. Google tells me you like stinky things. Explore that impulse and leave me alone.”

“Scary” Gutter Punk on Bourbon Street Circa 8PM Last night-m4m
“Granted, I may look, dress and act like a square, but I’d like to make it perfectly clear that your shitty tattoos, filthy Misfits “Fiend Club” t-shirt and white guy dreads don’t threaten me in any way. (I personally think the Misfits suck and I will confess now to preferring Danzig’s first two solo records to anything he did with his NJ cohorts…blasphemy, I know!)”

Paper Mache Elephant
“2′(H) x 2′(L) x 18″(W)”

MY TEETH- m4m
“I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth.”

Free Professional Pog Collection
“I have approximately 20,000 Pogs organized by set and series, including extremely rare celebrity and political autographed Pogs, memorabilia, and accessories. Book value > $1,500.”

The girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot- m4w
“For Christ’s sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM!…Anyway – if you’re free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.”

I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal- m4w
“1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That’s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed.”

You cleaned my toilet while I was out…?- w4m
“I needed to move the couch anyway. And I’m fairly certain you didn’t steal anything.
I will continue to leave my door unlocked so long as you continue to do my housework.”

homemade motorcycle
“DOES NOT pass emmissions so would need to be registered in a county without emmisions check. Great first bike otherwise!”

Necrophiliac seeking corpse
“I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral.”

Guys without bikes- m4w
“It seems you hardly even saw the dude, so transfixed as you were by his tats, skinny jeans, and that yellow fixie. Honestly, is this the new chick magnet? Has the red sports car of the 80′s been replaced with the fixed wheel bike (not that the environment doesn’t thank you)?”

PHOTOSHOP WIZ NEEDED ASAP
“I need original cell phone statements scanned and numbers changed then reprinted front and back!”

Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party
“No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load.”


Please buy this fixie wheelset. My battered heart implores you.

“They’ve been languishing too long in the darkest recesses of my one-room efficiency and now it’s time for me to get it into my head that my douchebag ex-boyfriend is never coming back and, more importantly, he is never going to finish building my Varsity fixed-gear conversion.”

Awesome Custom made BIKE!!! Must SEE!!!
“And to the few hundred freaks that ask me if you can really screw it, NO”


KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY

“I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex.”

….the list goes on and on.

<3 Lar

  • Last modified by on Saturday, Sep 26th, 2009