• Posted by Jar on Sunday, Jul 12th, 2009

Canoe Adventure!

It is beginning to look like we might be in Florida for awhile longer. We need to eliminate every single weed from the farm, fix my teeth, earn some extra scratch and ideally upgrade/replace/make a couple few things for our bikes and gear before we hit the long and lonesome road again….well at least I should.

The glorious farm where we reside is situated on the  Santa Fe river which is a murky, swampy and slow moving river. Lauren and I have been going on small canoe rides almost nightly and enjoy its creepiness very much.

Recently, while canoeing after smoking a powerful jimmie it became clear to me that Lauren and I must take an epic canoe trip from the farm all the way to the Gulf of Mexico on the west coast of the state via the Suwannee (110 mi +/- 5)

A lot of our bicycle tour’n stuff (stove, camera, tent, headlamp, panniers, etc.) will work fine for this trip. All we will need to get for this is  a decent water filter and apparently life jackets ($250 fine!) and a whole lot of snacks. For some reason I feel like we can obtain these things for free somehow. Any ideas?

We will  mail food and supplies ahead to post offices in river-side towns along the way like badasses.

Our farm overlords do not want us destroying their parents prized canoes and will not let us use them. Luckily, I think I will be able to borrow one from my mysterious step-grandma in Jacksonville for the trip as long as we can return it intact.

This will be a great way to get an idea of what Florida was like before 18.3 million people ruined it. We will be going through some of the most sparsely populated and remote areas in the region.  Although it is all downstream this trip is not without its share of challenges and dangers.

Ordered list of dangers and challenges:

We shall leave as soon as we are ready. Training begins immediately.



Check out this canoe and this thing which I would gladly ditch my trikke, randy ross stepper, or rowbike for.

P.S. #2 This will never happen.

  • Last modified by on Sunday, Sep 27th, 2009


  1. Jul 14th, 2009 @ 2:05am

    I should wait until after I have this baby before I read any more, the risk of preterm labor due to a heightened state of hilariousness is just to dicey..

    Sarah J. all day
    • Jul 14th, 2009 @ 1:56pm

      but babies like laughter!

      • Jul 15th, 2009 @ 8:47pm

        They do unless thier squishy comfy home is ruptured from the force.

        Sarah J. all day
        • Jul 16th, 2009 @ 12:06am

          true dat.

  2. Jul 13th, 2009 @ 5:40pm

    Whoa great idea! That sounds like fun. Hey did you know that alligators grow to over 14 feet in length are capable of running 30 mph for short bursts in order to capture larger prey? (They even prey on full grown black bears in Florida!) They immobilize this prey with their fiercely strong jaws and then drown the prey and stuff it under a log in a swamp where they let it rot until the meat softens up. They then shake the carcass violently until pieces of it come off that they eat. Cool animals — I hope you see some. Have a great trip!

    • Jul 14th, 2009 @ 8:59pm

      Hey Erik did you know SUVs are over 14 feet in length and capable of accelerating to 100 mph in short bursts in order to run over people on bikes (they even prey on kids in Arizona). They run you over from behind and then drag you under their cars and leave you beside the road to rot. Then they drive home and wipe the blood off the windshield. Cool cars- hope you see some. Happy trails!

      Oh come on Erik, when you are lying on your death bed and thinking about your life, what are you going to value more, the time you spent sitting on your computer at the law office waist high in legal documents or the time you spent riding your bike around? See what I mean?

      • Jul 17th, 2009 @ 6:14am

        Erik Ryberg works in the hopes that someday, others may ride around endlessly on bikes without fear of being run down by an escalade.

        He’s down in the trenches while ya’ll have given up on your endless bicycle adventure and have turned it into some half-assed internet-canoe trip.

        Count Choclula
        • Jul 17th, 2009 @ 3:23pm

          Amen Mickey!

  3. Jul 12th, 2009 @ 11:26pm

    If you want some real adventures and hills just come through tennessee…..

    • Jul 14th, 2009 @ 1:28am

      we just might jim…headin north this fall and could go that route.

  4. Jul 12th, 2009 @ 5:19am

    It’s about time you guys cut wind of some new adventure even if it isn’t on the bikes. With all the time spent sitting ugly dogs I was beginning to think y’all were becoming homebums without a cause.
    Who knows, switching things ups on canoes could be great cross training for your next combat pedaling tour. Keep on keeping us informed, stay low on the slack, and keep the dogs to a min.

    • Jul 12th, 2009 @ 5:50pm

      Lauren is always cutting the wind.
      Don’t you worry. We’re G.-ing T. F. O. of the south A.S.A.P. just bear with us.

  5. Jul 12th, 2009 @ 8:59am

    So should I book laurenandjaredaredead.com now or will it not be funny in 2 weeks when you actually are?

    Count Choclula
    • Jul 12th, 2009 @ 5:48pm

      yeah go ahead and book it Mickey. It will still be funny. Consider taking life insurance out on us while your at it.

      • Jul 14th, 2009 @ 3:06pm

        So I looked into it, and I can’t really do that. I have to prove that I have an “insurable interest” in you guys. Or in other words, I have to have a reason to not want you to die. Bummer, I figured I could make a quick buck.

        Count Choclula
        • Jul 14th, 2009 @ 8:07pm

          say we are your erotic lovers (non smoking of course)

    • Jul 12th, 2009 @ 10:56pm

      DAMNIT MICKEY! why couldn’t you have mentioned that one months ago when we were pathetically floundering around trying to come up with a domain. fuck you that would have been perfect.

      • Jul 13th, 2009 @ 2:03am

        Oreos are good and bad

  6. Jul 12th, 2009 @ 3:28am

    alligator sausage is taystie

    • Jul 12th, 2009 @ 4:25am

      so is vegetarianism